My legs are jelly with every step i takes. Feel like some muscle ache but i didnt even work out yesterday.
I slept 12 hrs straight but still feeling really letargic.
My body is feeling really weak and cold. Is it the weather or the fan is.blowing at me.

I think i might be having fever.
Not now body, 1 more paper to go. After tomorrow u can fall sick for all you want. Not now.....

saw it on fb.
meaningful isn't it.
well since life is made of of ups and downs, then why not enjoy every ups and embrace every downs =)

If facebook didnt exist, would anybody still remember my birthday?

不知为何, 今晚的心情好像又不是很好了。
人本来就活在起浮不定的生活,所以我是正常的吧。

有时想想, 他和我好像分开后都不是很快乐, 那分来干嘛。
可是又想想, 继续走下去, 固执的我们也不会为了谁而改, 结果也不快乐。

那要如何才会快乐呢?
我也不知到。
可能时间真的会告诉我们答案。

我依然相信缘分。
应该在一起的两个人不管中间分手过或遇到什么波折, 最终都会在一起的。

可能人就是这样, 要痛过才会学, 才会成长, 才会变得比以前好。

或许我们真的需要时间去反省, 去思考, 去学习。

有时候我觉得我和另一个我有好多意见不和的时候。我和我吵架, 我和我在斗气。另一个我很真实, 好像在我身边一样。
别担心, 不是人格分裂症。可能是双子座吧。或者是我的心在和我的脑起争执。

人真的好奇妙。
我的心事谁能知?

Inspired with some replies of a reader. My blog is still alive!! I always thought nobody visits here anymore.

And with that i decided to be hopeful to be happy.
I have all the rights in the world to be happy and to live to the fullest.
Couldnt care less about what others might think anymore. I believe i made a right choice to make myself a better person so i should live up to it. Not living in guilt.

Every break up means something. Learn from it and be better. Right?

Oh well i am still going to spent my bday alone. But a happy one instead. Embrace the beach sun and breeze like how i always enjoy.

Thats the right way right. :)

There is so much more out there to do then to be borthered by how people would think.

If any of you out there are being judge too. Or when u feel nobody is on your side to understand you, its ok. At least we still have our self to believe in us. And for me i have my faith to hold strong on.
We are never alone.

Felt like i need to spend the lonliest birthday ever this year just so i could repay some dept.
Dept of guilt.
Because i am not suppose to live well.

People judge me when i m too happy. When i m living too well. Because maybe i am not supposed to? I really dont know.

Then let me spend the lonliest n saddest birthday alone this year then maybe all those who hate me would feel happier.

I can never live out of how people sees me. I need a break through. Its really sad and silly when u know u r doing something right for yourself but u stop urself just coz u know people are watching.
Its really sad n pathetic.

I need a breakthrough to be truly happy and embrace all the haters.

头还是好痛。
为何?

我的时间不多了吗?



准备早睡的我, 十二点就乖乖上床睡觉。
可是还是睡不着。
一大堆垃圾在脑海里晃阿晃。

有时想想, 在大家面前的我还是一样嘻嘻哈哈,说黄色笑话,装装笨,装可爱。
可是私底下的我应该很少人看过吧。
静静的, 什么也不说, 面无表情的, 不谑。
只想听这喜欢的音乐。
那不是伤心的我, 只是另一个我罢了。

夜深了。又有一堆垃圾想法。
头还是很痛。
该睡了。
晚安。

I seat on my sofa since i woke up this afternoon till now watching random movies. From korean to thai to jap.
Other than to eat n visit the washroom.

Didnt felt like talking at all. Ignoring everybody at home.
Bitch please...
Feeling pretty unwell too.
Oh well tomorrow will be a better day.

Right?

So late night blogging is going to be a new habit?
I hope not.
After exams my aim is to wake up at 8am and sleep at 11pm daily. I haven quite kept to the promise of going into deep sleep between 11pm-3am. The time where the organs renew and detox or something of that sort.
Forget about nightlife. I need my life more to enjoy a better life.
Ohh well its good to get ready for working life too right? Dont like to wake up feeling angsty.

Celebrated xin's 25th bday. We are all turning 25! A quarter of the century haven quite achieve anything yet. But its ok. I am not rushing. I have no reason to rush. If given a choice i wouldnt want to end up in a competitive environment. I have never like competition. So i guess getting my life all worked out in a pace which suit me best would be ideal.

Everybody is sending their resume securing a job etc for the past few months so that they could start work after exams. To me, i haven even prepared my resume... All these sounds so crazy to me. They are making me all anxious and stressful. But i always tell myself its ok. Relax. U will find a job eventually.

I am not lazy neither am i laid back. I just felt there is no need to follow what people is doing or telling me to do just coz everybody is gan cheong snatching for a position just to feel secure after exams.

I believed in work to learn not to earn for now. At least for the next 2-3 years. No house no family no kids to provide for so why the rush to earn and climb so fast. I think i should absorb as much as i can first.

A problem with fresh grad. They think they are uni student so they aim i must have 3k if not i dont work. So search n search n search.. Then end up somewhere which maybe pay well but not what they like. Why look at such short term goals? Well i know it doesnt apply to all. But majority. They only look at the starting pay n neglect the future prospect or opportunities that you will never know.
If everybody would care less about money and work for passion, the world would be such a beautiful place with many more happy people.
And i believed in that and i will work towards that.

Who doesnt like money.. I love money too. I hope to be rich, travel, spend without thinking, look all atas and porsh too. But life is so much more then just money.

You often hear parents say you must study hard ok. Get a good job earn alot of money buy big house big car and enjoy life. This is such a wrong teaching to be passed down.
You dont study for such purposes. Education is not made for such reasons.

Sensei says,"Education makes us free. The world of knowledge and of the intellect is where all people can meet and converse. Education liberates people from prejudice. It frees the human heart from its violent passions."

"The task of education must be fundamentally to ensure that knowledge serves to further the cause of human happiness and peace."

Well he says it all. Education is made for a better cause. Not simply to enjoy life. I believe thats y alot of people dont find purpose in studying. I guess the same theory applies to wealth too. The real reason to why do you want to be rich? For self or for a wider context for a cause.

Been reflecting alot about what life really mean. Why do people do what they do for. And i find joy in exploring and realising. Maybe i sould be a psychologist. Haha.

Oh well my 2 cents worth.
Time check..
Goodness.. Gd night world!

I am still alive!
But super unwell...

Time check...
Oh god i m so dead...

Since i cant quite fall asleep then might as well write something.

2 papers down. I feel a load off my chest. 1 more to go shouldnt be much of a problem.
Dont seem to be as stress or emo anymore.
Maybe stress do make people do stupid things.
But now all seems well.
I dont feel that uptight anymore.
But it also means all the virus starts attacking when i m relaxed.
The body is really magical.
For the past few days i kept telling myself i cant sick i cant sick although i felt quite unwell.
Then today after the paper i totally stoned all the way through dinner and on my way home.
Then headache and whats not start appearing..
I guess my body told my body that ok now can fall sick already...
Oh god what am i talking about?

Maybe i could think better over the holidays before work come haunting me.

Why am i still not asleep?
Maybe its all the late night burnt. My bio clock is pretty screwed up.
And whats worst? I have to wake up at 6.30am later for work.
Great... And i really cant seem to fall asleep when the whole world is sleeping.

Whenever i closed my eyes, many thoughts are running through my head making it more difficult to sleep.
Been having all sorts of weird dreams again recently, action scenes to lesbian scenes.. Yeahh u name it i have it.
Cant quite find my inner peace yet.
I just hope all these gets better.

Staring at the glaring screen of my mobile, my eyelids seems to be a little heavy now...

So gd nite world.
If i ever made it alive later u know i m nlt dead yet.

This is a fucking fucked up post.
because i m just very fucking pissed.
So much for wanting my own life.
In the end it all means shit.
Right...
Then i might as well live in a fucking predictable life.
Then be a fucking laughing stock for all you fuckers.
Then get a fucking job and live life just as fucked up.
Why am i even taking stupid fucked up exams.
I hate this fucked up shitty world where everybody lives like puppets of another fucking puppet.
All the stupid fucked up mindset and judging.
Fuck you all.
So much for encouraging people.to live positive. How fucked up can i get.
As fucked up as can be. I should fucking crash and burn.
And i will bring all you fucking haters down with me.
FUCK YOU ALL!
FUCK THIS WHOLE SHITHOLE WE ARE LIVING IN.

Taiwan i busted it.
Thailand gotta put on hold.

Right..... best grad trip ever.
How great..
Dont mention any holidays to me. Just dont.




Fuck this whole fucking fucked up world.

I can never have total freedom. I am still living in the lens of others. How people think and judge me after my selfish decision.

I know i am selfish. But why cant i pursue what i want then. If all of you who judged me could choose to do what u want, then why cant i.
I just want to live like how you lived.

It took me 2 yrs to realised. Not 7 or 10 years. It takes time to realise something dont you. Y give me the death sentence so soon. Why?

I m not a bad person to begin with. To find back myself might be selfish. But wont u wanna live a life without regrets? Wont you wanna live life to the fullest. Wont u want to find that answer in your life too?

Maybe i m just braver then all of u. To break tru the norm n live a life i called my own.

Am i mad or what. I woke up from my nap feeling super regretful and stupid.
I could have done better and score better.
All i had in mind when i do my papers is to leave early. And i thought to leave early is 30mins before. So at 12.30pm i raised my hand and left. To realise leave early is 10mins before only... Meaning i could have 20 more mins for a more qualitative work.

Am i mad?!!! Why did i want to leave early. I must be crazy..... Very crazy and stupid. And if i had choose another qns to do then maybe i would score better as well. I estimated the marks wrongly...

Went home flipped my notes again and again. Although i know surely can pass but still.... Could have done better...

But whats over is over.....
I must be crazy......

First paper tomorrow.
Not feeling as stressed up as before.
Not feeling like i have not enough time as before
Not feeling as bad as before.

Is this something good? Not sure about it. Not enough effort maybe.
All i have in mind are plans after exams. Places i want to go and do. People that i have missed.
I just hope this exam ends fast.
Pack my bag and leave for a good holiday.
Then its time to taste working life once again.

How fast this 3 years.
Ok i shall leave my thoughts n reflections of school life after exams then.

Sometimes you wonder why things only change for the better after a broke up.
Why would one only see clearer when one is out of a relationship.
Why would both be too stubbon to realise and admit when both were in it.
Why in love couldnt make us change for the better.

So many whys. But you know you will never find the answer to it.

Maybe only now i could understand love is not about being with the person. But as long as you know he is doing well.

Did i regret?
If nothing of these happened, we would still be where we were.

Should i regret?

Yes I initiated. I have bad track record.
U can Judge me. Doupt me. Despise me.

Time will tell.

自私的抛下了儿女私情，
应该被伤害的人也偏体鳞伤。
情未了。
自私的我好像很有自己的想法似的，追求梦想什么的。
事实上我只是在逃避。
逃避什么呢？
我也不知道。
我只是要好多好多的时间想想自己到底要什么。
到底是为了什么。
到底在追求什么。
时间能给我答案吗？
我不知道。
我只是好想一个人去寻找。
一个人的，谁也不必被拖累。
我会后悔吗？
我不知道。
可是要是我还在乎那么多的话，我知道我永远走不出我的圈圈。
永远就找不到自己要的答案了。
或许我很残忍。或许我很可怕。或许我很可悲。可是我也争着了很久。
又有谁能了解我呢？

提出先要做回朋友的人是没有资格做受害者，没有资格伤心，没有资格拨同情。是吗？
应该把故事演完。坏人就做到底？


恨能减轻痛吗？
恨能减少爱吗?
或许我们都会变得更勇敢。
或许时间能让我们更了解。
或许。。。。。。。

"Till after exams...."